I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I am one with the molecules
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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