Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
