The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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