I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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