Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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