Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
