i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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