he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
