we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
