are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
