I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
