Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
