I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
