Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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