New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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