Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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