I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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