remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
