i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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