my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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