party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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