white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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