I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
