I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His nipple licking is glorious
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