In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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