My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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