I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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