i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
