No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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