Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
