ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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