I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
