If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
