Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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