Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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