come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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