hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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