I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
