I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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