What a fucking waste of an outfit
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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