We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
