there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she peed on how many people?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
