I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
