Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
