Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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