just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
