So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
