dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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