She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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