Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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