I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
