Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
